Session Two: Day Four- Baited By Our Desires

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, hew will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.  

James 1:12

Baited by our desires.  Even the title today makes me stop and think.  When have I been baited by my desire?  And not just baited but reeled in and caught, sinking, flailing and lashing out at God.  Immediately from the top of my head I can think of three areas that once consumed me and because of exactly what we studied today, no longer do.  I'm sure that the Devil is currently stirring up other areas in my life to use as bait, but I feel like sharing where God has proven true and given me that crown of life.

Let me begin with the question Beth asks us:  What does Proverbs 19:3 say about temptation?

A man's own foolishness ruins his life and then he is angry at God.

During my Sophomore year of college I made a decision to stop eating.  I felt like I had very little control in my life and controlling my weight was one area that I could control.  During the first year after Ava was born I struggled with my brother's near death and severe post partum depression.  I made a decision to use retail therapy to numb emotions and control the days.  I racked up almost $12,000.00 in debt in a nine month period.  During the first 8 years of our marriage I struggled with anger to a scary degree because I needed people to do what I wanted so that I could feel in control.

Anyone seeing the pattern for control that haunts me in this?  This need for control is the exact spot where when things go bad for me they go very bad.  It was impossible in any of these situations for me to be authentically happy.  I was, in fact, miserable and as far away from God as I possibly could be.  I felt abandoned and angry that He wasn't taking care of me.  I struggled with guilt and shame over choosing destructive behaviors over and over and felt like I couldn't go back or manage it on my own. 

Jill:  Question Emily; Why the "need" to feel in control?  Personally I think if you can get a grasp on "Why" you need to feel in control, you can pray and reflect on what that is and God can help you.  
Emily:  Honestly Jill, I don't know why I need to have control.  I have exhausted all thoughts on why this is my issue...I wasn't like this as a child.  I was actually very carefree and free spirited as a kid, even through my freshman year of college.  My first memory of needing control was the day I stopped eating.  It was thought out, calculated and executed.  One day I wasn't running every day and I was eating real food, the next day I started running miles and stopped eating. I don't know if it was because school and the relationship I was in at the time overwhelmed me or what triggered it and  I'm sure that there is a core issue there but I can't get to it.  I have prayed and asked God to help me understand this issue, but I think I've come the conclusion that maybe it is just a part of my type A personality gone haywire.  Regardless, I haven't been able to get to it and because I can't get to it, I just try to dump it on God and when I start to feel like I'm losing control or have no control in a situation, I throw it at Him again.  I can feel it in the pit of my stomach all of the time, sitting there, waiting for it's opportunity to overwhelm me and the only two choices I have are to give into it (which is very destructive) or give it to God. I'm sure there is a refining going on and maybe God isn't letting me in on the core issue because He knows that I would try to "fix" it myself without relying on Him.  I don't know. But I wouldn't say no to anyone who wanted to pray about it with me :)

And then in each situation there was a point that I was forced to recognize my own "deformed desire."

About two weeks before we got married, I sat in a church pew and told God flat out, "If you help me stop obsessing about my weight, I will give this to you.  You have to take control of it because it is consuming me but God, please, please don't let me gain a ton of weight back." Anyone notice that I was trying to control even how God could answer my prayer?

Kyle graciously forgave me for hiding the debt he discovered when we moved into our current home and has put a budget into place that involves "cash only" for me I don't want to disappoint him again.  I still struggle with wanting to indulge in retail therapy when things are hard, but God is faithful and I have a husband who helps me.  While these things were being addressed and handed over to God, I was still holding onto an extreme amount of control and using anger to make my husband and kids do what I wanted.  

Until one day my four year old son told me he would no longer love God because he couldn't be perfect and so there was no point in trying.  Talk about a point of recognizing "deformed desire."  My desire had been for my kids to live perfect lives so they could go to Heaven and here the exact opposite was taking place.  I spent days on my knees begging God to help me control my temper so that my children could get a true picture of what He looked like.  It has been a process, but I can honestly say that in the past 5+ years I have not been the crazy angry person who used to steal the joy from my family.

Jill:  My struggles all revolve around my lack of self worth.  My father never wanted a 2nd child and he especially didnt want a girl.  He told my mom if I was a girl then he was leaving me at the hospital, as girls are worthless and cant do anything.  My mom wanted a girl more than anything, but for some reason I never remember that, I have always focused on the negative.  Because I let myself believe I wasnt worthy of love I grew up never wanting to get married, because no guy could love me (and only me) enough.  He WILL treat me bad, cheat on me, and leave me.  I never wanted that for myself.  Then it evolved into other areas of my life as well, I dont deserver this, or that,  God wont answer my prayers I'm not worthy of that.  This study has really opened my eyes, and I have decided to give that all to God.  I forgive my father for not wanting me, I am worthy and God WILL answer my prayers.  I have felt a huge weight has lifted off of me and I feel free.  I am sure my struggles are far from over but I now feel like I have the tools to deal with them.  

The desires that we have (mine for control) live so deep within us that it takes just a tiny seed to begin growing into a sinful behavior and then leading us to our demise.  It never starts off as something we think will overwhelm us or bury us but it always, always does.  If you are comfortable in sharing, what is your core deformed desire?  Knowing that mine is control helps me to check it every single time I want to control something.

Jill:  I kept reading page 60 over and over again.  The part where Beth reminds up that we have a choice we can give into our temptations, which leads to sin which eventually leads to death OR we can decided to be faithful and endure, endurance will bring about its perfect effect.  SOMETHING WE HAVE BEEN MISSING ALL OF OUR LIVES will be completed in us and we will mature.   That really really hit me like a baseball bat.  I have had a choice this entire time, to give in to temptations OR to be faithful.     And by being faithful God will give me the crown of life that He has promised.  I love that.

Beth asked us to list a few "deaths" that can result from full grown sin conceived out of deformed desires.  List them here:

How awesome that we serve a God whose desire for us is a relationship with Him.  Perseverance brings maturity (James 1:3-4) no matter what areas we need to address.  I hope you find the hope and the joy in today's lesson because even though it can be painful to look that deep inside of ourselves, it is awesome that we serve a God who wipes the past clean and offers us hope and redemption.  He offers us a crown of life.